Log in

No account? Create an account
Emergent Order [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | A Voice From the Darkness ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

I'mportant Health Update (Please Read) [30 Dec 2011|08:40pm]
[ mood | scared ]

It looks like I just have an infection. It's just been going on for a very long time because I had to stop taking the other antibiotics early. So I've started on a new one and will be taking it for seven days. I'm glad too that today was a pretty good day as far as not being too fatigued. 

So here is the important part: 
1. I may not be on much because I'm going to try spending more time around my family so they can notice if this antibiotic starts making me go crazy like the last one. 
2. If I post anything out of the ordinary, please shoot me a comment telling me so. Last time, I knew to stop taking the drug and call my doctor if I was confused, but I was too damn confused to know that I was confused. So if I post something truely nutty this coming week, tell me! 
3. Send lots and lots and lots of good energy. I'll be meditating and doing Reiki on myself on my end, but it's hard to quet my mind hwen I'm scared of going crazy. Please send good energy and thoughts my way! Thanks! 

2 comments|post comment

Writer's Block: Bare necessities [29 Dec 2011|10:34pm]
food, water, clothing (when it's cold)
Name three things you can’t live without.
post comment

Thank You! [28 Dec 2011|09:04pm]
[ mood | sick but grateful ]

I wanted to shoot a bit thank you to Kit for the book "The Chicken Kabalah" 

I would hop on Skype, but my health sucks rotten tomato zombie asshole right now. I'm in a super shitty mood. 

I should be in a good mood because of the gift, and it really did brighten my day. If I don't read this, I have no excuse. Well, this what I get when I tell people I am the universe existing within itself. LOL You aren't the first person to suggest I study Kabala, and here I can't even get through Exodus. :) 

I'm a bit humbled (and very greatful) that someone knows me this well... 

Now I have no excuse not to scour the basement looking for that CD rom I got free at a nail shop about Vietnamese Buddhism. 

Still waiting on a certain test, though so far, all signs point to negative. 

2 comments|post comment

Dreamwidth [15 Dec 2011|11:24pm]
I moved to Dreamwidth a while ago. I have one code. If you want it, please ask via pm or via e mail. 

liberanarchy @ gmail (dot) com


If you have a Dreamwith and want to be friends, do the above or come to LaughingLotus on DW. 
post comment

Laughing Lotus [13 Aug 2011|06:28pm]
I moved over to dreamwidth. I have a habbit of typing up my entries in Open Office and spell checking them there, so please, by all means, find me. That journal is Access Only (like friends only), so please do subscribe, and if you are on of my LJ friends, I'll give you access.

post comment

Cats Then Otherkin [09 Aug 2011|09:48pm]
Well, things are tense between two of the cats, so I must watch them. :(

Last night, I meditated in the hope of getting more otherkin related answers. Sure, the meditation was epic on account of a black stone structure floating in a thunderstorm... but... the only thing I really got from myself was, when I looked up, I saw a white sun shining through black clowds. I think it may be time to set aside the otherkin search again and perhaps just be focused on the raw primal universal oneness factor. Storm self, although the most seemingly close to the me at the surface, the thing I identify as me, seems to be really really cagey. This may also be a case of the harder you bang on the door, the less likely you are to get in. The epicness matter not. What matters is who I am as a person, at my core, and maybe that was the point.
post comment

Empathy for the Devil [08 Aug 2011|05:45pm]
When I was doing Reiki on myself last night, I realsed some angry energy. My storm self had been holding in some anger over being prejudged. The message I got essentially a mounted to many people having placed evil faces on me. Instead of getting to know me for who I am, people feared me, scapegoated me and essentially made me out to be a devil. I am who I am, and I am a person just like anyone else. It's true, and it's what I wanted to say.

Having reflected on this, I realised that I have also been putting some negative and deviish faces on my otherkin self. Basically, I'm not able to process it, and there is allot I just don't know, so I've toyed with some weird, demonid and frightening labels and ideas. For my part, it's not a judgemental thing or an attempt to disown it so much as perhaps being a bit too presumptuous instead of gettign to know it... like other people apparently have in the past. My mind wondered into the ideas I've had about demonkin, space monsters and even a silly cartoon version of Set. Yep, I've been putting allot of scary masks on my otherkin self too.

Well, I do want to get to know myself as a person, just a person, not some devil monster thing.
post comment

Good Things [06 Aug 2011|03:13pm]
Ah, I like being able to report good news. First, I realized something else about my life long disgust with slime. I am in touch with something primortial. Slime is not only maliable but speaks of primortial ooze, the first life.

Second, my mother is going to the psychic fair to seeRobert to get this parasite removed. It isn't my job to tell her she does not have it and to save her money. My job is to let her go through whatever adventure she needs to. I've gone through my little adventures. I even have an underworld themed tattoo on my lower leg because of it, so I understand that people sometimes have a need for these t hings. Knowing what I know of Rob, he'll be a patient and compassionalte "shaman" or "priest" or whatever she needs.

The Reiki and affirmations are working wonders by the way.

Maya and Seti have gotten curious about each other. I hope they become friends.
post comment

Writer's Block: It’s the end of the world as we know it [06 Aug 2011|03:06pm]
If you had the option to learn the exact moment and details of your death, would you choose to know?

Depends. Can I change the outcome? If I can, yes. If not, then now. If we live in a deterministc universe, even knowing would not change the cource of my life... I would't even have the choice to know verses not to know. If everything is predetermined, then there is no option so much as an outcome, weather or not I will learn regardless of my desires or what I would choose. Am I overthinking this?
2 comments|post comment

Reiki and Kin Stuff [04 Aug 2011|09:39pm]
So this is an entry for the public.

I am Reiki- ing myself every day and saying the affirmation like a good little soul on it way to realizing its own Buddha- hood. It's wonderful! I am so floored and happy about how gentle Reiki is. My storm self seems to now spend lots of time ushered away from the rest of me. I'll often get a polite nudge ushering me from giving attention to that part. When it reemerges, it feels like it's been doing lots and lots of healing. Yay! Today, it seeped in this afternoon, and it felt happier and more stable, and yet, I still felt as though it would be depicted as black and that it is, among other things, a storm.

On this note, my idea about the storm self being my misinterpretation of the shadow self was dashed last night in a chat room. If I feared storms, it'd make sense, but gosh, a good house shaking thunderstorm rocks my every lovin' face. So, back to the ol' drawing board.
post comment

Writer's Block: Happy birthday Mr. President! [04 Aug 2011|09:20pm]
What is one thing that needs to be changed in your country?


End drug prohibition.

post comment

Mostly Good News [03 Aug 2011|08:34pm]

The cats are hissy and skittish around each other, but forunately, no fights have started, nor are any of the cats being picked on.

Mom and I got in a silly argument today, but considering the long peace time and the short duration of the argument combined with the fact that my brother is home again... we're doing spectacularly well. It's a small ripple in the pond. This brings me to the next point. So far, there has been little tention between the three of us thus far. I'm pleased.

I'm doing the affirmations everyday, and I'm now able to do the Reiki on myself every day and can ground afterward. Reiki is such a genlte energy. It really does meet you where you are.

I figured out all the damn scorpions, I think. "Here I am! Rock you like a hurricane!" Yeah, storm self made a funny. *facepalm*

Something good happened to me this morning. I was lying awake listening to my mom and brother yammering on about T.V. shows when I got two flashes of the same image, the tops of Egyptian pyramids. They were in their present day state of ruin, and I don't think it had anything to do with Egypt or past lives or.... a mother ship.... *facepalm* I felt clear headed and got the sense that the image was just about me being in a period of re- creating myself. Considering I felt clear headed and generally good about the flashes, I think I'm on the right track.

Much of my anger toward a specific imfamous "godkin" has subsided. This is great. I still feel super wrong about her when I scroll past her posts, so that lets me know my intuition about her is right. I still get sick, bt I'm not driving myself into sickness with anger, so all I can do is what I've already done, simply ask the universe to help her and then let go of it entirely.

I suspect that, if I am otherkin, I may be some type of celestial (I don't like such terms) or perhaps some sort of human soul that has ascended or transformed enough to be slightly different from most... But if this is right, I'm likely to take time away from the kin community to let it sit and simmer in the pot for a while as I attempt to just be the best audra I can be. When I come back to it, deffinitions and meanings will probably be a little more clear. We'll see. Oh, the reasons I'm starting to suspect his are a sense of raw connection w/ the universe and what some would call the divine and that I seem to have a chakras system with more developed minor chakras like chakras above the crown and very large ones on my upper arm. Also, there are the several sets of wings that don't feel like they are there in the sense of having every ben permenent fixtures of my body so much as there when I need  them. I can haz arm wings. I get them when I do Reiki and have to imagine my arms shrinking back into normal arms.

Reiki is super gentle. I love it! stormself is often gently ushered away from the rest of me, and when it reappears, he is more gentle, and it feels like healing has taken place.

post comment

The Humans and the Cats [03 Aug 2011|12:23am]

The humans are civil, which is a great thing for us. So far, the worst thing my brother has done is talk too much and in a mildly condescending manner. Actually, this is good. I am far less annoyed (read: angry) that I usually was in the past. This sounds pretty dysfunctional on its face, but it's actually a sign of progress.

I'm less optimistic about the 3 cats. Seti (mine) has spent most of the day under mom's bed. Maya (R's) has spent all day under R's bed. Shiva (R's) spent most of the day in R's room. Seti is actually being the worst. He's hissing and moaning quite allot, so I have to watch him and make sure he doesn't flip out, but Shiva is a bitch cat so I hope R keeps an eye out too

post comment

Derp [03 Aug 2011|12:03am]
Well I don't get it. I'm happy that I can now do Reiki on myself and stay grounded. I'm supposed to do it on myself every day but had to hold off every other day or so due to lack of grounding. But Robert suggested the obvious, to think of myself with a tree with my roots deep in the ground. Duh! It helped emensly.

The thing I don't get is what my shadow self is showing me, scorpions... and more scorpions. I feel like I keep having buckets of them dumped on my head. I have been looking at the symbology, and I thought I'd sort of got it, but I keep seeing them, so I think they may have to do with positive childhood associations. I've always loved them. Some of the most happy and functional family time was spent on a vacation to the American south west. I also remember my dad getting me one of those scorpions in the glass hemesphere you see in all the rourist shops. There was also the gummy scorpion that I licked and stuck to the window and didn't want to eat because I loved it so much. When I was an adult working at a movie theatre after failing my first attempt at college, there was an episode where I had a sense of exactly who would find a scorion in their shoue (Georgians, check your shoes in the summer.), and I was right. Fortunately, no one got stung. None of these associations really seems to strike the right chord, so I'm about to listen to the Scorpions to see if it is pointing to a song... like "Winds of Change"

There are some more left field, pardon the pun, possibilities, however, of these, the best options are that my niche is one of being adversarial, being a protector or some other such thing. As much as i love anything and everything that's ever had a set of horns blued to its head by idiots who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions, I am highly reluctant to speculate about deitie or that I am recieving messages from the divine etc.

In the way of otherkin, the most reasonable explanations are along the lines of being a scorpion therian or maybe it represents my kin side or something.... But these ideas just don't feel right either.

I find myself seriously doubting the whole otherkin thing, yet I feel something right about otherkin. Perhaps I just really really really want to believe because it is super neato and cool and fuck, but then typing that just makes me feel all wrong like I was typing something as untrue as, "I am the president of the United States." I feel right about otherkin even if it is nothing more than a stepping stone to a deeper truth.

If any of you work w/ scorpion energy (which sounds extremely risky) or have scorpion as a totem, perhaps you have some thoughts?

Another interesting note: I'm damned convinced that my totem is some kind of spider, and many scorpions pray upon spiders.
post comment

Please Noone Bring Up The Rcok! [01 Aug 2011|05:58pm]
Given the constant imagery of scorpions in relation to storm self, I opted to research the symbolism . It seems I may not be otherkin so much as I may simply have a very creative shadow self, and I may have sumbled onto my shadow toem which I thought was rat or maybe slime. I'll feel silly if I was wrong about otherkin this entire time, but I'd feel sillier trying to persist in it if I wasn't serious about my conviction.
post comment

Brother Returning Home [01 Aug 2011|04:02pm]
My brother is returning home with his two damnable felines. Seti, although a little trouble maker, is a gentle soul and will probably get bulied by my bother's shit cats. I tried tiding up the computer room so its not insanely filthy, but rally, my btother is a pretty craptastic individual sometimes. It's hard to find time to meditate.. or do much else when my mom and bro and emeshed in a screaming match over something utterly irrelevant to real life. Role paying over Skype may be difficult due to their distractions. And no, this is not normal household clammour. I'm not exadurating when I speak of daily screaming matches over nothing! I don't know how they do it, honestly. That stuff drains my energy do E.
post comment

Weird Rambling About Energy and Stuff [01 Aug 2011|03:56pm]
I'm happy that I'm meeting lots of nice people through Reiki. I had the great luck of being able to go to a Reiki exchange last week. Although I still ow you guys a recount of the tuning, I'll save that for later. I participated in several group treatments and recieved one myself from a small group. We had 8 people and two message tables. I had the dubious distinction of having a huge negative blob in my aura that was thrown out the window... I was also sprayed with rose water... Lo and behold, after the treament, storm self was surfacing, and I had intuitions that I was a very rotten person in the past, that I'd done some very outragous things, things on the level of comic book super villiany. Further, I did it with blades. I kept hearing the old Judas Prist song "The Ripper". No, I don't think I was Jack the Ripper in a past life, and if I did actually do some horrible things in a past life, I know that it's nothing to be ashamed of now. I was successful and releasing allot of negativity, lots of crying... and in spite of my lack of belief in literal gods, I was calling out to Frig in my mind and felt her presence. Well, yes, I'm suggestable, but whatever gets the job done.  I spent the rest of the day and night wanting to get a tattoo of a blue scorpion on my arm, so I may have tapped into a certain universal flow...

This brings me to the otherkin bit. Since the attunement, I've beel closer to storm self, and I now suspect I'm not otherkin so much as I've just been vaugley aware of my shadow self and was just misinterpreting it. Another possibility is that I am called toward a specific strain of the "left hand path", and I am workin out the kinks before I embark upon it.

I was super tired and went to bed early. One of the dreams I had was of one of the practiontioners doing Reiki on me while giving a psychic reading of some kind. She said that D&D fans would expect me to carry Drow weapons and would compare me to Drizzt. I explained to her how I didn't like the character and think that the Drow, although sexy, are ill concieved in many ways. Her reply was that she was just reporting what she felt.

So hopefully mom will call Rob and get an appointlment to have a parasite she thinks is in her removed... I'm not going to get into the entire story, no way, but I STRONGLY suspect there is simply no parasite, and that she is seeking after drama. So, after suggesting she research various things like sage, casting circles, white light meditations, prayer, raw tenacity (my chosen method), shielding.. the whole bit, she will fine every excuse not to. I offtered to Reiki her and her room to which she replied that it might encourage the entity to stay because it's good energy, so all I could do at this point is talk to Robert, who said he'd be happy to remove the parasite through shamanic work at the psychic fair next week. So if mom, who is truely convinced there is a parasite, doesn't persue this (and it can't be too expensive knowing Robert), it just confirms she is in for the drama and that I can't do anything. I'm hoping that the woowoo stuff will convince mom she is all healed and no longer has a parasite and doesn't need to buy Constantinos books to find out about the spooky demons she fears. Under normal circomstances, I'd be impressed and pleased to see her getting into the darker occult liturature because it might mean she's accepting parts of herself most people don't or walking into a path of greater responsibility, but no. She'd buying the books out of fear which is the exactly wrong attitude to go with. How do you banish demons when all you can focus on is demons? *sighs*

But you can only help people who WANT to help, and you can only advise people who really WANT the advice. Responsibility to the responsible.
2 comments|post comment

Good Things [28 Jul 2011|09:12pm]

Good things happened yesturday. I went shopping with mom and bought some much needed new bed cloths. Boring though it was, It needed to be done. Also, mom finally reembersed me for the MRI she said she would pay for since the accident was her fault. I'd let it go because fighting family over money always rinders terrible results, even if you get the money. Lo and behold, she finally payed me back!

On a level that may be related to Reiki, my shoulder is doing much much better. I'm able to do more around the house and carry more things. I am going to get back into writing.

The forum keeps disappointing me. A conversation about true names was opened, and the local Kemetic scholor puked up the most superficial response.... Why? Granted, I am biased since my attitude about tue magickal namews w/ p0w4z is the polar opposite, but good grief, people! Anyway, I now am trying to formulate a story about a troop of clowns that forget their names and embark on a comical quest of self discovery. There is also a fairly good discussion about the imfamous veil goign on, but even there, some of the responses have gotten farely banal. From this, a similar story idea emerged about a group of would be magicians interpreting an apocolyptic tale in entirely different ways and accomplishing far different results.

post comment

Reiki Attunement Level 1: The Otherkin Related Post [27 Jul 2011|11:20pm]
The level 1 Reiki attumement and subsaquent Reiki session I gave then recieved was so dramatic and lengthy of an experience, I will end up typing about it in small spirts rather than one long entry. The first notable bit is the otherkin facet. Otherkin neither seems more right or wrong to me. The facet itself neither seems more or less there. Otherkin simply seems less important, lover on my list of priorities.

As to stormself, I will opt not to talk about how Reiki is effecting that other than to say the energy is meeting it where it is and being helpful in a gentle and slow progression. Seems there is allot of personal things that need to be worked on here.

Also, I seem to have two new pairs of wings... or old ones were brought out? Anyway, I now have a set of arm wings like those pictures in ancient Egyptian tombs where you have Isis with arm- wings. This is the best description I have. Sorry. Anyway, I don't think these wings have fuck all to do with otherkin. I actually strongly suspect they have to do with energy work and either only feel like wings or are wings but are symbolic of something. They just don't feel connected to any sort of kin self or any other facet of myself even though they are phantom limbs. Yay! Arm wings!
post comment

Adventures in Thought [23 Jul 2011|10:10pm]
So I'm finally doing preliminary research about the Hermetica. Reiki class tomoorw. Looking forward to it.

I'll say it. As much as I love the company of most of my chat room companions, the OKA forum seems to be filled with people less interested in self knowledge and more interested in self image. I will admit that I am fully capable of getting things utterly wrong, making legendary mistakes, running from myself, getting mired in drama and generally talking myself up instead of learning about myself... but I try not to. I attempt self honesty, self knowledge and expressing myself to myself in a meaningful and helpful way. It seems to me that the list contains more role play than it does people on journies of self discovery... Am I being judgemental?

Last night, my quest for self knowledge startled me. I came away with the knowledge that this facet of me is more than I can comprehend just now.... I didn't come away with stories of celestial battles and vast alien landcapes brimming with life best suited to a fanciful and dramatic novel. When I saw my inner light, I learned that I am myself, and that the person I was judging was also myself. In spite of the name I was told I'd call it (not important), I did not come away with tales of how well gods performed in the sack. The few times I've felt as though I was interacting with the person one of our forum members claims to be, the messages were constructive and useful like, "You are not alone." or just the sense that I've stepped out of my own comfort zone.... Even when this being seemed to be standign behind me watching as I was blessed with an open window to a furious raging storm.... the ends seemed constructive, and belief seemed altoether irrelavent. I can't spell. I've named my heart, btw. And when my heart spoke to me in words, the message was something that has me pondering and still has me pondering now and again. I will not say it because it is personal, but it is simple and wise... and has NOTHING to do with past life memories, true form, stalking demons, astral battles... whatever. it was the sort of thing that can be applied (or misapplied) in real life, in human physical everyday mundane life.. which isn't actually mundane, btw.

Will membership in the forum really aid me in my quest for self knowledge? I don't know....
2 comments|post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]