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More Otherkin Stuff [23 Jul 2011|04:43pm]
Once again, last night, I asked myself to show myself as much of myself as I could stomach without being overwhelmed. I saw nothing but black. I was standing in front of towering blackness that I felt would subsume me utterly. What is this thing?


Also, I've come to realize that I am more than a storm, not a more powerful storm or more powerful than a storm, just that storm is but one facet of the entire self. I was just too absorbed in one piece of it, and I really do love storms. I feel centered, calm and myself when a good thunderstorm rolls over.

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ptherkin and You [22 Jul 2011|09:40pm]
When I see a thread about wings on OKA shift into conversation about the pride of angelic warriors, I start thinking, "So long, and thanks for all the fish."

But sitting in judgement will serve no positive end. If I am after self knowledge, I will seek and out and be too busy doing that to focus on where others go wrong.

My wings are small and unremarkable and aren't always there. They emminate from my heart and are verbs, whatever that means. In my mind's eye, they are thin, long and blue but very small as comparied to the huge elegant wings of the illustrious angelkin of the Internet. I've yet to figure out how to use my wings, actually. Perhaps they will come out this Sunday during Reiki class.

Yep, I'm dumping the money into a Reiki class. Let's hope I can get a ride, eh? Wish me well. Hope the person who said she can take me responds to my e mails.. maybe gives me a phone call... *sighs*
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Otherkin But Not [21 Jul 2011|09:26pm]
I'm having some intuitions about my kin self. I think it's more than a storm, and it may be more intigrated into the whole than I'd preveiously thought. I'm also having intuitions about my wings. They are verbs, not nowns, though I'm not sure what I'm doing when I project the wings... I feel like a dark aspect of something greater. Odd. And I feel calm and centered when I feel this. I remember how I've felt a connection ot the great void, creative chaos and have felt that my place in the universe is in the Abyss, however, at the creative end of it. There are some common themse popping up, however I cannot seem to solidify any sort of label or anything else.

This other person... I'm beginning to feel she is who she sais... but so is everyone. :) I think what's happening is whatever she really is is being filtered through what she is not... which, again, I strongly suspect is the case for everyone.

Identity is fluid, so grasping for hard and fast labels probably won't rinder much in the way of genuine self knowledge.
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Writer's Block: Saints and sinners [21 Jul 2011|09:19pm]
If you found a wad of cash on the ground, would you keep it? Donate it? Take it to the police?

if there were clear signs of who the money belonged to like an id card in a wallet or if the cash was next to a cash register, I would either take the money to the police or give it to who appears to be the rightful owner. If the wad was simply laying in the street with no real information, I would keep it. Once having kept it, I would spend most or all of it on practial expenses like food. I might give a little to charity too, maybe a no kill animal shelter.
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Writer's Block: A novel idea [20 Jul 2011|01:06am]
Which book would you want to see turned into a videogame?

"Finnigin's Wake" How the fuck would you even play that?!
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Made Up Myth [19 Jul 2011|08:36pm]
I saw the last Harry Potter. The effects were very good, but the acting and plot simply met par. It really wasnt' that great as movies go. Pirate it or wait for it to come out on video.

Odd thing, the movie inspired an odd and wonderful comfort with myself. It has nothing to do with the genre of the movie or any of the fantasy things. I think it had to do with what Harry find out about himself near the end. I won't spoil it. I came home feeling very much like myself, yes otherkin and yes human. I am a storm, and I am very "dark" to look at. I am also OK with that. This, in no way, negates or even clflicts with the light part, the larger whole, in any way. I am an expession of it, as I see it. This just brings a sense of calm and centeredness. I dont' need to assert what I am or defend it. I juast am what I am, and it's OK.
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Good Things [16 Jul 2011|11:37pm]
I'm so happy. In chat, I was pmed by one of OKA's admins because he wanted to thank me for typing thoughtful posts. My heart grew three sizes last night! This means I've managed to post constructive comments and not let anger at one person get the best of me.

Further, he went on to say that he identifies as a nature god, and we talked about that among other things. He and I had wildly different cncepts of what a "god" is, but that didn't stop us from trading opinions and just interacting like civil people. He didn't complain about being ignored, nor did he start into stories about how great and powerful he was and get indigment at the slightest hint of disbelief. He was just a person, like me and everyone else exploring their own conciousness.

While responding to comments left on an earlier post, I had a wild ping of intuition. I saw yellow and neon green together and was presented with the notion that the person who makes me so mad considers me to be "poison". So perhaps she is in the exact same boat I am in. Maybe she is placing all sorts of hidious labels on me and wracking her brain trying to figure out why. I wonder. I really do. When alone does she hate me and attempt to flesh out why? Then again, what is this intuition?
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Writer's Block: Happily ever after… [16 Jul 2011|01:26am]
What's Harry going to do now that the series is over?

Wallow in money.
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Godkin, Really? [15 Jul 2011|06:43pm]
So how do you guys feel about people claiming to be godkin? In a way, they're just doing the same thing other people have veen doing for eaons, envocation. So on tha level, they are just snatching up a new label. I imagine such people will do research and find labels and paradigmns that suit them. But frankly, most of the godkin I've run into (in posts etc.) seem to just be self important wingnuts who are adepts... at talking about themselves... allot.

If and when someone finds a deity in themselves, I am happy for them. We are all all the gods in my opinion, so this is natural and probably a good thing in terms of self knowledge. I think, however, what the "godkin" are doing likely has nothing to do with self knowledge and everything to do with self agrandisement.

Part of why I'm asking what you guys think is because I fear I am being too judgemental.

The other part is that I have.... I did end up accidentally envoking a "god", and it's actually stuck with me. I am it, but then, so are you. So what's the point? I'm better off for it, indeed. And luckily, it's too big to care. By that I mean, if I were to become a devotee, miander about the net speaking for it, piss allover idols, ignore it and what I've learned, try to be the best person I can be with or without it, treat it like a cheap high... it's just... too big to care. I am able to make mistakes, nay, calassole failures, without fear of reprisal or even the occasional nutty dream. I am what I am, and you are what you are, and it's too big to care. So why does it matter? It only matters, for me, as I see it, in the scope of my personal journey, no one else's. Further, the only way it matters is what I've learned and how it effects my real life.

My point is, at this level, "gods" exist so far beyond individual identity, it doesn't even count as otherkin anymore.

So, are godkin like the imfamous otakukin? Should they be politely ignored, mocked or what? I actually have more respect for the otakukin because they are, at least, trying to create a personal myth for themelves. So what if they are in the immitation stage. Hell, I'm still in the immitation stage. I just don't draw from fiction or only one mythical system.
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Getting More Done [14 Jul 2011|05:39pm]

I cashed a check and a money order and send off some packages today. I am sad that some items don't seem to be in demand, but I'm very happy that others are, and I'm clearing out the clutter of my life.

I am now beginning to suspect that I may be putting too much time into otherkin, however, I am also thinking that, if I am actually doing something like art, writing meditation etc., perhaps it's just fine. There is also this overarching feeling that otherkin is a bit too limited a term, for myself and for everybody else.

I have some ideas for attempting to draw a rather bottom facet of my otherkin self (non- self), but I worry that it will end up casting me as one of those self important people I don't like. LOL Go figure. Might there be a lesson here?

I'm happy that someome I like by the name of Voren has made another otherkin chat. Too bad I don't have the time to moderate it. It'd give me a certain level of clout, but then, if I'm modding with more cern for myself than with the room, I'm doing it wrong.

I'm doing very well walking on the treadmill everyday for at least an hour. Can't really do it in the afternoon though because it's so damn hot in Georgia this time of year.

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Tried and Notes to Self [12 Jul 2011|12:14am]
Had to cut role playing short tonight. I'm beat and robably going to bed soon. Everyone else seemed either tired or otherwise occupied.

Terrible genius banner idea I had: a spoon. Just a note to self. Also may sign up on twitter just to teat "There is no spoon." exactly at sunrise just to make a point. :)

Was going to blog about other stuff, but I forgot because I'm so tired.
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You Are Not Alone [11 Jul 2011|02:52pm]
There is another reason I've taken this a little personally, and that is because said person is who she says. If she'd just quiet down and look into herself, she might find it. It found me on a couple occasions between wake and sleep, and it had wildly more profound things to say than stuff people say in Internets fights. I opted to actually invite it onto the forum in my own way, with a modest signature banner.... and hopefully people will get the message because that's what matters. At least, that's what I think. So whatever form you take, welcome to OKA. Hope you enjoy your say.

Rock out with your wings out.

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Psychic Fair, Energy, Otherkin and Dark Night of the Drama Whore [11 Jul 2011|12:01am]

So I went to the psychic fair today, and all in all, it was pretty good. I got a book for $5, and it is about the survival of the personality after death. Personally, I suspect we lose our personalities and merge with a greater whole, like it or not, but that's just my own belief. But I really like getting a cheap book that might be a good one. Also, I got a half hour Reiki treatment and a psychic reading.

The reader was pretty good. She wasn't enough of a fruit bat to blather on about Atlantian alien overlords and David Ike's Reptilian menace, but she wasn't a cold con artist either. She believed in what she was doing and gave her honest impressions. I took her business card. I did end up doing most of the talking, but things like past lives can't really be verified unless you get some specific bit of information that you can research, and even then, stuff like that can come from outside sources that you forgot. I, for example, watch allot of educational T.V. She suggested a great daily practice, and that is to talk to my "higher self" (phrase I have some issues with, but moving on) to talk to my mom and brother's "higher selves" and tell them how I feel. Any estute reader will suggest the actual factual me talking with the other actual factual bodies and telling them how I feel, and I will say, I've been making some headweight with my mom, but even if you are a materialist, you will agree that saying such things to oneself daily is a form of practice, a way of developing a healthier way of relating to tow people I don't get along with. Also, the lady had an energy I vibed with, pretty down to earth and together. We vibed pretty well. This was great because I told her about a very personal "past life" intuition I had where I was the "bad guy".

The Reiki guy, I'll call him R, didn't seem in the best of spirits, but the treatment was godo all the same. Apparently there was a misunderstanding. He thought I was attempting to organize a Reiki class in town shortly after the first of the year. I was goign to do what now? Well, hopefully he understands that, shortly after the accident, I wasn't going to arrange shit for shit. I didn't even know I was somehow expected to try to put something together. Cue up Led zepelin's "Communication Breakdown". But there wasn't any real conflict because of it. I gave him an updated e mail address, so hopefully he and I can actually jive when it comes to who wants a Reiki class where and when and how I'm goign to get there. See, this is an example of two people not being asses.

The treatment itself went well. I can't say I felt anything durign the treatment like I have with other treatments, but I got something out of this and suspect I will still get more out of this. I was tired so I layed down and I think even drifted off to sleep for a little bit. i was feeling my own energy, nothing particularly otherkin related, and I felt like some good energy was having conversations with various parts of my energy system. It felt good, like things were being resolved. Upon getting up and plopping down in a recliner, I kept feeling it. I then asked myself about otherkin, and I felt a since of, "Yes, I'm otherkin. I just look human now." (as in energy body), so then I asked abotu the "black storm stuff" because I didn't feel it. It surfaced. I asked what I am, and the answer felt like it would read, "celestial- y- ish...?" and then I got the sense that that "black" part of me needs allot of love, needs to be craddles in fact and is here to do allot of self work. That said, I wonder if, upon being loved and cared for and doing the self work, the storm will calm, and I will identify as something else.

Even if I am a celestial, that's not the point of... being. The point, as I see it, is being the best me I can be.

And this gets me to the OKA forum. The forum is, on the wole, pretty good. Granted, there is that one person there who seems to want to respond to every one of my threads, but then, she may just be a particularly active member. Even still, I can say, "Thanks for your thoughts." and move on to "Bob, you bring up an interesting point..." My chief concern though is that I'm going about the kin thing backwards. Perhaps I shouldn't come at otherkin as otherkin and just let is exist as is and just walk my journey, but I've come back to otherkin because it is part of my journey, so I'll have to think about this.

As for the chat room, I can talk with and e mail people on the list I like. I don't ultamately need the chat to keep in touch with my favorite people. Last night, I left with advice that sometimes inducing a mental breakdown is what one needs to awaken... Granted, we all need to cross the Abyss at some point, and sometimes we need to break down. My most meaningful awakenings were when my former world view was shattered to pieces. But enducing such events isn't wise. I was expressing my frustration at not knowing what I am next to people who seem to have very clear ideas about what they are and elaborate stories to boot. There were those that correctly reminded me that many otherkin don't know and don't have the elaborate stories, but there were a couple that essentially used it as an opportunity to talk about themselves... more. She was one of them.

Please give her her wish. Thank you.

I know getting my wish amost sent me up the road to crazy but didn't so much as send me down a path of fairly Buddhistic pantheism. If rank actually existed, my KABOOM would outrank hers. Too bad that, because at that level, all I really want to do is give hugs and remind people... all people... of how amazing they really are. See, I dont' think this is kinness exactly, not as we know it. In this sense, I'm not sure what I'd get out of otherkin forums or chat rooms aside from just good company. And if I am mistaken, the big white thing is too big to care. Lucky me. In this case, I couldn't really aspect and hold it together.

Now, I notice a pattern wit this person that I've seen in others. I appologize, and even if she accepts the appology, she throws in something condescending or that could be taken the wrong way or that implies that she is some type of elder where as I'm a wee one. So any pm she sends me will go unanswered, and she may get upset by that, but that's her problem. I remember on list a time where she politely but openly told a person she did not believe his claims regarding his kinnes. I'm OK with this. If someone replied to this entry, for example, and told me they don't believe I'm any type of celestial, that's just fine. It may end up being helpful provided it's not just some dumbass troll. In the chat last night, someone teasingly called me an asshole. I'm OK with that. I was amused. But when I asked this person a question about her her fellows in her religion react to her otherkin beliefs, and she went off on me. When i typed an admittedly passive agressive letter to her (and I later admitted it an appologised), she responded in kind. So I think it was her that sent the first pm, and I have no clue how she got what she did out of my single question. She read so far into it, she was looking straight at Azathoth... and apparently got his opinion on the matter as well. And when I sent her a response, she informed the that she posted about it in her journal.... then let me know that something I said was patronizing... then agreed she didn't want to fight. I was thinking about apologising, but her little sentence looked to me like bait, not a genuine problem with what I'd said. As for the chat last night, I don't tink I actually did or said anything terribly wrong, but I tossed an appology her way just in case I'd said something I didn't mean because I was frustrated.... She accepted the appology and said she was "getting complaints" What does that even mean? If she is getting complaints, I'm obviously dealing with people who are incapable of pming me in chat or on the forum to say, "When you said blah blah blah, I didn't appreciate it because..." Granted, not everyone will use "I feel" statements or even be able to communicate offence without trading blow for blow, but people have to be pretty damned insecure to not be able to do that, and considering that I am fairly inoffensive, I can't be offending that many people. I did offended V with an irrevernt joke about fairies dying, but she openly said she wasn't amused, and I appologised even though I don't understand why that actually offends someone, even a fairy. But, not everyone has an irreverent and sometimes grose sense of humor like me, so I appologixed and won't repeat jokes like that around her. So how many complaints is she really getting? I remember the last person who said she was "getting complaints". This was the person who'd left an obvious trail behind her. A common online moniker of her starts with a B. If you know her, you know her. If not, don't worry about it. Just don't give out your information and practice basic Internet safety. And boy does this person like to talk about herself. I made a Marvel Super Heroes character with that exact same character flaw.... *facepalm* So yes, after she accepted the appology that I may not have even needed to make, she told me she was "getting complaints". I'm so not persuing that.

I'm beginning to wonder about energy stuff because of her. Granted, this coudl just be me, but I just get ajited and nautious when she is in the chat. I associate her with (and keep in mind I don't know why, and I'm not accusing her of these things) rape, a sandstorm blotting otu the sun, plagues and a pit of vipers. WTF Yes, I could just be painting a very bad picture of her so I am justified in judging her, but really. And her energy is impsing, put not in a good, "Wow! That is something more than average!" kind of way, more in an invasive unwanted brutal sort of way.

I don't think she is who she sais.... I think she may actually have a very... difficult patron... and I wouldn't envy her. I'd respect her though, if this was the case because that sort of path isn't easy to walk. But this is just my speculation on the matter... She might just enjoy starting trouble. Having been all turned around myself, I really think I recognise and empathise with something there. If it ever crashes in on her, she's got a long dark heroing journey ahead of her, and ya know, I'd be right there with her because that sort of crap is far from easy and sometimes produces some pretty outlandish behavior. You then, hours later, sit with yourself and wonder, "That just wasn't me. I dont' act that way. What happened?" Shit can get very mean very quickly, and it is ok to ask for help. I couldn't do it on my own. I was driven... to prayer. And even that took lots of intense focus because I felt like I had things inside me trying to divert me from my focus. It was the prayer actually... But I can't do anything for her but be there if she needs someone to sit up with her late at night whilee she is rolling through her own dark night of the soul. But until then, all I can do is exit stage left and hope she turns out alright. I'd like to say she'll come out the other end, but I just don't know... but I know she can, and I know she isn't alone.

So what can I do? Absolutely nothing. Enjoy the ride. You'll need a very jaded sense of humor for it, but laughter dispells fear.

Or I could be reading this all wrong and she's just a bit self absorbed and enjoys a bit of drama. In that case, enjoy the ride, for sure, but do it without me.

So the forum has soem good stand up folks, and she really doesn't bother me since she has to stay polike in public to maintain face. But no more chat.

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Frustration [10 Jul 2011|02:54am]
I claim to the the universe existing within itself, so who am I so say to anyone she is lying?

I am a black thing, sometimes blue existing and emminating from a big white thing. At least, this is my current identity. The big white thing told me what I would call it, but that doesn't mean much in the end. I like it though, more patiant and caring than I ever would have imagined. Lessons are useful. I try. I really do.

I have such a hard time with this person though. I project every bad thing to her. When I'm clear headed, I want to just flower, to unfold and to expres, "I love you." even to Hitler, but I get utterly derailed by one little person on the Internets.

Perhaps my lack of a label for myself means I'm progressing. Or I'm just a spiritual train wrek. LOL
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*smiles* [09 Jul 2011|06:56pm]
Perhaps it was last night's meditation. I am likely to meditate again after I eat to see if I can take advantage of how I feel just now. Once again, I'm feeling the centered- ness and me- ness that is a "black current" that is a storm, that know I'd look like a monster or demon to most people even though I'm really not. I feel alive and myself even if I can't place a label on it. Right now, I'm seeing myself as intangible black energy, but I think that is influenced by an experience I had a while back that is personal... To that end, I won't focus on that. I'll focus on the being centered.

On a similar note, I think I may be personifying destructive ferocious energies w/in myself, and perhaps I just need and outlest.
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Otherkin Related Meditation [09 Jul 2011|05:34pm]
Before falling asleep last night, I did several meditations. The first two were a clearing of negativity and a what amounts to an energy bath. The third was an attempt at entering an inner temple to talk to myself. My goal was to see my true form or at least to learn as much as I can about my true self.

I saw myself on the ground in a natural thickly shrubbed area at night under a clear sky. I understood that, for whatever reason, I was the night sky looking down upon myself. I expressed my desire to find an inner temple, and a thickly cobwebbed cave opened behind me. After shining a flashlight in, I recognized a detour, one of many detours I've offered myself in such meditations. I began looking around and wondering where I could just erect an inner temple when it occurred to me to just walk up into the sky since I saw myself as the night sky at the moment. So I opted to make a crystal staircase and walk into myself.

Like many other such meditations, I has a hard time focusing as I went further into myself, but I got there nonetheless, and I stepped into the sky which then became my “black space”. Which I've heard called the “void”. This is a place I go to do self work.

I made a mirror, and I told myself that, when I look in it, I want to see my real self. When I grabbed the edges to pull it to me, I felt fear. When I looked into the mirror, I saw black. I made several subsequent unsuccessful attempts. I opted then for another technique. I made a desk, chair, lamp, paper and drawing pencil. Then, I sat down at the desk and asked myself to draw what part of myself I could handle without freaking out.

What I saw on the paper was lightning and black storm clouds in the background. In the foreground, I saw something that could have been any number of things including clouds churning around the eye of a hurricane, a glob of slime writhing around a single dark eye, or perhaps ever a gibbering mass of tentacles. As one might guess, my curiosity turned to humor at this point, and I joked with myself that I might be a shoggoth even though those look totally differently. Along with the picture can an understanding that other people would see me as a “demon” or “monster” even though I'm not. This is a pattern. I then looked at the desk and remembered a riddle from “Alice in Wonderland”, “What do a raven and a writing desk have in common?” then remembered the answer of an old friend of mine, “Edgar Allen Poe wrote on these.” I then felt that at- home- ness that I do with horror and smiled to myself. At this point, the meditation wad devolving into internal joking around, so I eased my way out of it and into a normal state on consciousness.

Any thoughts?

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Success [08 Jul 2011|02:06am]

I wanted to see my new Internet friends in the chat room, but *she* was there. I managed to stay calm and interact with her politely while enjoying the company of friends.

Her last pm to me a couple days ago had a line in it that I read as bait to keep me interacting in a less than functional way. I haven't answered her yet and will not.

She can claim her energy is too "intense" for people, but people like me know the truth and know why we get sick. She will repell whom she does, and I don't need to get upset.

I will soon go to bed and engage in another round of grounding negative emotions and then white light.

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Good Things [07 Jul 2011|05:01pm]
Last night, I had quite allot of success grounding deep seated angry energy. I also had extraordinary success improvising a white light meditation. *chuckle* I'll see if I can make a written meditation of it and post it here.

I realize one problem I have is an attatchment to storms. I love them to the point of identifying with them. The person I've had trouble with hates them to the point of being put in a bad mood when they are over head doing what it is they do. So, she upset me when she said she hated them once. Wow, this is kinda my problem here. Perspective... LOL I need it. Non- attatchment. I need it.

Also, last night, I was thinking, after the meditation, that I might be mistaken about kin and kin type and plurality and stuff, and that is OK. It's too beg to really get insulted or care and actually shows a great deal of compassion.... especially since I've been utterly transforming on fundamental levels lately. If I am IT, I think I've been looking at it the wrong way, not even backwards so much as I just am not getting it, but that's OK. We make mistakes. understanding myself will take time, possibly lifetimes.

I'm seing more bird imagery, which I could as good. It's speaks of rising above... things like Internets fights and grudges.

I think all the phantom limbs may be less otherkin stuff and more just plain energy body stuff.
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Tell me if this sounds self rightous [07 Jul 2011|03:25am]

Forgive my inability to articulate my experiences well, for they are strange and taste good with catchup.


I occasionally have small phantom wings on my back. They are about the size of my shoulder blades. These wings often show up when I am meditating, doing something like a visualization or grounding exercise. They feel very right. One thing that occurred to me via a burst of intuition is they are verbs, not nouns, not things. They are me doing something rather than something that is just there on their own. I have also had the feeling that they represent me being my own guide.


I also sometimes feel like I have a big round halo like the ones on old fashioned icons. Other times I feel like I'm wearing a helmet or even have something that looks like a pope hat. Lol


There are also phantom things that seem to be sitting on my shoulders and around my upper arms. The things wrapped around my upper arms seem to flair out as though they are another small set of wings.


I don't know what's going on. I feel like I have more major chakras than the seven that many people believe in, so perhaps that has something to do with this. I've felt major chakras on my shoulder blades and another pair on my upper arm as well as more chakras below my buttocks (a row between my legs) and a few above what would be my crown chakra.


It occurs to me that my post may sound like I'm some sanctimonious weirdo, and I assure you, I am not sanctimonious. Having said that, my intention is not to sound snobby. I'm simply describing sensations. I'm not trying to relate these to “holy” things or make myself look super important. I rather dislike religious imagery, and I hope I'm not stepping on anyone's toes. I'm not trying to say I'm a saint or anything. I'm far from it. These are just the only things I have to compare my weird phantom sensations to.

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Writer's Block: No. 1 hits [07 Jul 2011|03:23am]
Which is your favorite classic Beatles’ song, and why?

Across the Universe

It describes how I feel when I feel... connected to the root of all being.... I try to remember this when faced with a person I hate. In the end, I'm only hating myself.
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