So I went to the psychic fair today, and all in all, it was pretty good. I got a book for $5, and it is about the survival of the personality after death. Personally, I suspect we lose our personalities and merge with a greater whole, like it or not, but that's just my own belief. But I really like getting a cheap book that might be a good one. Also, I got a half hour Reiki treatment and a psychic reading.
The reader was pretty good. She wasn't enough of a fruit bat to blather on about Atlantian alien overlords and David Ike's Reptilian menace, but she wasn't a cold con artist either. She believed in what she was doing and gave her honest impressions. I took her business card. I did end up doing most of the talking, but things like past lives can't really be verified unless you get some specific bit of information that you can research, and even then, stuff like that can come from outside sources that you forgot. I, for example, watch allot of educational T.V. She suggested a great daily practice, and that is to talk to my "higher self" (phrase I have some issues with, but moving on) to talk to my mom and brother's "higher selves" and tell them how I feel. Any estute reader will suggest the actual factual me talking with the other actual factual bodies and telling them how I feel, and I will say, I've been making some headweight with my mom, but even if you are a materialist, you will agree that saying such things to oneself daily is a form of practice, a way of developing a healthier way of relating to tow people I don't get along with. Also, the lady had an energy I vibed with, pretty down to earth and together. We vibed pretty well. This was great because I told her about a very personal "past life" intuition I had where I was the "bad guy".
The Reiki guy, I'll call him R, didn't seem in the best of spirits, but the treatment was godo all the same. Apparently there was a misunderstanding. He thought I was attempting to organize a Reiki class in town shortly after the first of the year. I was goign to do what now? Well, hopefully he understands that, shortly after the accident, I wasn't going to arrange shit for shit. I didn't even know I was somehow expected to try to put something together. Cue up Led zepelin's "Communication Breakdown". But there wasn't any real conflict because of it. I gave him an updated e mail address, so hopefully he and I can actually jive when it comes to who wants a Reiki class where and when and how I'm goign to get there. See, this is an example of two people not being asses.
The treatment itself went well. I can't say I felt anything durign the treatment like I have with other treatments, but I got something out of this and suspect I will still get more out of this. I was tired so I layed down and I think even drifted off to sleep for a little bit. i was feeling my own energy, nothing particularly otherkin related, and I felt like some good energy was having conversations with various parts of my energy system. It felt good, like things were being resolved. Upon getting up and plopping down in a recliner, I kept feeling it. I then asked myself about otherkin, and I felt a since of, "Yes, I'm otherkin. I just look human now." (as in energy body), so then I asked abotu the "black storm stuff" because I didn't feel it. It surfaced. I asked what I am, and the answer felt like it would read, "celestial- y- ish...?" and then I got the sense that that "black" part of me needs allot of love, needs to be craddles in fact and is here to do allot of self work. That said, I wonder if, upon being loved and cared for and doing the self work, the storm will calm, and I will identify as something else.
Even if I am a celestial, that's not the point of... being. The point, as I see it, is being the best me I can be.
And this gets me to the OKA forum. The forum is, on the wole, pretty good. Granted, there is that one person there who seems to want to respond to every one of my threads, but then, she may just be a particularly active member. Even still, I can say, "Thanks for your thoughts." and move on to "Bob, you bring up an interesting point..." My chief concern though is that I'm going about the kin thing backwards. Perhaps I shouldn't come at otherkin as otherkin and just let is exist as is and just walk my journey, but I've come back to otherkin because it is part of my journey, so I'll have to think about this.
As for the chat room, I can talk with and e mail people on the list I like. I don't ultamately need the chat to keep in touch with my favorite people. Last night, I left with advice that sometimes inducing a mental breakdown is what one needs to awaken... Granted, we all need to cross the Abyss at some point, and sometimes we need to break down. My most meaningful awakenings were when my former world view was shattered to pieces. But enducing such events isn't wise. I was expressing my frustration at not knowing what I am next to people who seem to have very clear ideas about what they are and elaborate stories to boot. There were those that correctly reminded me that many otherkin don't know and don't have the elaborate stories, but there were a couple that essentially used it as an opportunity to talk about themselves... more. She was one of them.
Please give her her wish. Thank you.
I know getting my wish amost sent me up the road to crazy but didn't so much as send me down a path of fairly Buddhistic pantheism. If rank actually existed, my KABOOM would outrank hers. Too bad that, because at that level, all I really want to do is give hugs and remind people... all people... of how amazing they really are. See, I dont' think this is kinness exactly, not as we know it. In this sense, I'm not sure what I'd get out of otherkin forums or chat rooms aside from just good company. And if I am mistaken, the big white thing is too big to care. Lucky me. In this case, I couldn't really aspect and hold it together.
Now, I notice a pattern wit this person that I've seen in others. I appologize, and even if she accepts the appology, she throws in something condescending or that could be taken the wrong way or that implies that she is some type of elder where as I'm a wee one. So any pm she sends me will go unanswered, and she may get upset by that, but that's her problem. I remember on list a time where she politely but openly told a person she did not believe his claims regarding his kinnes. I'm OK with this. If someone replied to this entry, for example, and told me they don't believe I'm any type of celestial, that's just fine. It may end up being helpful provided it's not just some dumbass troll. In the chat last night, someone teasingly called me an asshole. I'm OK with that. I was amused. But when I asked this person a question about her her fellows in her religion react to her otherkin beliefs, and she went off on me. When i typed an admittedly passive agressive letter to her (and I later admitted it an appologised), she responded in kind. So I think it was her that sent the first pm, and I have no clue how she got what she did out of my single question. She read so far into it, she was looking straight at Azathoth... and apparently got his opinion on the matter as well. And when I sent her a response, she informed the that she posted about it in her journal.... then let me know that something I said was patronizing... then agreed she didn't want to fight. I was thinking about apologising, but her little sentence looked to me like bait, not a genuine problem with what I'd said. As for the chat last night, I don't tink I actually did or said anything terribly wrong, but I tossed an appology her way just in case I'd said something I didn't mean because I was frustrated.... She accepted the appology and said she was "getting complaints" What does that even mean? If she is getting complaints, I'm obviously dealing with people who are incapable of pming me in chat or on the forum to say, "When you said blah blah blah, I didn't appreciate it because..." Granted, not everyone will use "I feel" statements or even be able to communicate offence without trading blow for blow, but people have to be pretty damned insecure to not be able to do that, and considering that I am fairly inoffensive, I can't be offending that many people. I did offended V with an irrevernt joke about fairies dying, but she openly said she wasn't amused, and I appologised even though I don't understand why that actually offends someone, even a fairy. But, not everyone has an irreverent and sometimes grose sense of humor like me, so I appologixed and won't repeat jokes like that around her. So how many complaints is she really getting? I remember the last person who said she was "getting complaints". This was the person who'd left an obvious trail behind her. A common online moniker of her starts with a B. If you know her, you know her. If not, don't worry about it. Just don't give out your information and practice basic Internet safety. And boy does this person like to talk about herself. I made a Marvel Super Heroes character with that exact same character flaw.... *facepalm* So yes, after she accepted the appology that I may not have even needed to make, she told me she was "getting complaints". I'm so not persuing that.
I'm beginning to wonder about energy stuff because of her. Granted, this coudl just be me, but I just get ajited and nautious when she is in the chat. I associate her with (and keep in mind I don't know why, and I'm not accusing her of these things) rape, a sandstorm blotting otu the sun, plagues and a pit of vipers. WTF Yes, I could just be painting a very bad picture of her so I am justified in judging her, but really. And her energy is impsing, put not in a good, "Wow! That is something more than average!" kind of way, more in an invasive unwanted brutal sort of way.
I don't think she is who she sais.... I think she may actually have a very... difficult patron... and I wouldn't envy her. I'd respect her though, if this was the case because that sort of path isn't easy to walk. But this is just my speculation on the matter... She might just enjoy starting trouble. Having been all turned around myself, I really think I recognise and empathise with something there. If it ever crashes in on her, she's got a long dark heroing journey ahead of her, and ya know, I'd be right there with her because that sort of crap is far from easy and sometimes produces some pretty outlandish behavior. You then, hours later, sit with yourself and wonder, "That just wasn't me. I dont' act that way. What happened?" Shit can get very mean very quickly, and it is ok to ask for help. I couldn't do it on my own. I was driven... to prayer. And even that took lots of intense focus because I felt like I had things inside me trying to divert me from my focus. It was the prayer actually... But I can't do anything for her but be there if she needs someone to sit up with her late at night whilee she is rolling through her own dark night of the soul. But until then, all I can do is exit stage left and hope she turns out alright. I'd like to say she'll come out the other end, but I just don't know... but I know she can, and I know she isn't alone.
So what can I do? Absolutely nothing. Enjoy the ride. You'll need a very jaded sense of humor for it, but laughter dispells fear.
Or I could be reading this all wrong and she's just a bit self absorbed and enjoys a bit of drama. In that case, enjoy the ride, for sure, but do it without me.
So the forum has soem good stand up folks, and she really doesn't bother me since she has to stay polike in public to maintain face. But no more chat.